Learning How to Live

Learning How to Live

Hi, I’m Constance.

I’m a single mother, a daughter, a sister, and a woman who is almost six years sober.

That last part is probably one of the biggest pieces of who I am, even though it’s not the first thing most people would know about me.

There was a time in my life when I was simply trying to survive myself.

I made choices I’m not proud of. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I lost pieces of who I was along the way, and for a long time, I wasn’t sure if I would ever figure out how to put them back together.

I’m not going to tell the story of my addiction here. Some parts of my past belong to me.

But I will say this:

Getting sober saved my life.

Staying sober taught me that saving my life and actually living it are two completely different things.

For a long time, I thought recovery meant simply not going back to who I used to be. And while that is a huge part of it, I’ve learned that recovery is also about figuring out who you are when the chaos is gone and the noise has quieted.

And honestly?

I’m still figuring that out.

I spent years living according to circumstances, worrying about other people’s expectations, relationships defining my self worth, dodging responsibilities, and just doing whatever I needed to do to get through the next day.

Now I’m learning to ask myself a completely different question:

What do I actually want my life to look like?

I’m 34 years old, raising my son, working, rebuilding, and learning myself in ways I probably should have learned a long time ago.

But I don’t believe it’s too late.

If anything, I think I’m finally old enough to understand that becoming yourself isn’t something that happens all at once.

It happens slowly.

In the quiet moments.

In the boundaries you finally learn to set.

In the things you stop accepting.

In the things you finally allow yourself to want.

And, for me, it’s happening here.

In this slower, simpler life my family is beginning to build.

I’m stepping into the homestead world knowing very little and being completely okay with that.

This started as a “hey wouldn’t it be cool” conversation in my parents living room. And it’s turned into a life we see and we want to LIVE.

I’m not the one who has all the answers or knows how to do everything. I’m the one standing beside the people who do, watching, learning, asking questions, getting my hands dirty when I’m needed, and figuring out where I fit into all of it.

And maybe that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Because I’ve spent enough of my life feeling like I had to have everything figured out.

Now I’m learning that it’s okay to be a beginner.

It’s okay to not know.

It’s okay to change your mind.

It’s okay to start over, fail, and start over again… as many times as needed…. As long as you keep trying.

It’s okay to become someone completely different from the person you once thought you’d be.

I want both of my sons to grow up knowing that life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about getting back up. It’s about taking responsibility. It’s about learning. It’s about loving people well. And it’s about having the courage to build something better when the life you had no longer fits who you’ve become.

I want them to see me doing that, too.

Not just as their mom.

But as a woman.

A woman who survived addiction.

A woman who has made mistakes.

A woman who has loved the wrong people, trusted the wrong people, and sometimes gotten things wrong herself.

A woman who has had to start over more than once.

And a woman who is still here.

Still learning.

Still growing.

Still becoming.

Almost six years sober, I’m finally realizing that recovery isn’t just about staying away from the life I had.

It’s about creating a life I don’t want to escape from.

And maybe that’s what this new chapter is really about.

Not becoming a perfect homesteader.

Not having everything figured out.

Not pretending my past didn’t happen.

But taking everything I’ve lived through and using it to build something different.

Something slower.

Something more intentional.

Something real.

A life where my boys gets to watch their mama become the woman she was always meant to be.

I don’t know exactly where this road is going to take me.

But for the first time in a very long time, I’m not afraid of not knowing.

I’m excited to find out.

This is me learning how to live.